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My dear Mark Adam,
It's truly hard to believe it's been 21 years. Twenty-one years! How is that possible? And yet it must be because your little brothers are 16 and almost 15 and taller than I am. They aren't little boys any longer, but you are my forever baby.
I try to envision you at 21. You would be a young man, a junior in college, and old enough to do anything you wish. Did your Uncle Mark take you partying on your birthday? It's comforting to know that he's in heaven with you now. A mother and daughter, both giving birth to baby boys named Mark who are both gone . . . is Mark A. with a December birthday an unlucky omen? Seems to be in this family!
As I try to imagine what you'd look like and be like, I found an astrology website that does a relationship profile for mothers and their children. I plugged in our birth dates, and they came up with a profile. They profiled me quite accurately! It was interesting to see what they said about you:
Mark is energetic and active and loves freedom and exploration. He is not likely to want to stay in one place for too long. Mari, on the other hand, will probably love physical comfort and want a stable and calm environment. Obviously, this may lead to some clashes. However, these opposing qualities can actually serve to benefit the other. Mari may have a tendency to fall into heavy moods, so Mark's vibrant energy can help her 'snap out of' them, while Mari can help Mark be more grounded, showing him what can be accomplished through determination and will.
The profile goes on to give me advice on how to parent you based on our personalities. It was rather amusing. I'm sure we would have had our scuffles (I certainly do with your brothers), but I know we would have had a great time through the years. Parenting is such a gift. I've grown as much over the years as my boys have. We teach each other.
This year, your loss hit me with an extreme sadness and longing. It's not like this every year, and I'm sure there are many people who wonder why I'd feel so incredibly tender after 21 years. How can I explain it? My love for you didn't die when you did. You've taught me so many things, that I can't ever forget you. Believe me, I've tried to forget and I've stuffed a lot of feelings, but it doesn't work and I'm through trying. If the rest of the world can't understand, so be it. What they don't see in the midst of my sadness for you, is the incredible joy I feel for having had you.
Finally, after so many years, I've stopped asking why did this happen in December. I'm glad you came to us when you did . . . my very perfect Christmas present, my forever baby. Your gifts to me have never stopped coming and usually in the most wonderful and surprising ways. I live in a daze from December 2 to December 18 (and now I grieve your Uncle Mark's birthday on December 8 in the midst of it all), but I emerge from the fog with such clarity . . . I feel ready to tackle the business of living and mothering two very busy teenagers as we start another new year. These December days are my time to be MARK'S MOTHER, and I shall stop feeling guilty for being teary-eyed 21 years later.
The last year was particularly difficult, but I doesn't begin to compare to that first year after losing you. I have you to put everything into perspective for me. I'm a better person because of you. I only wish we'd had more time together.
Love always,
On Mark Adam's website:
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