Parents of Multiples Forever

In Memory of James
August 2, 1995

I want to share the story of my twins pregnancy and birth in hopes that it may be helpful to anyone else who has dealt with any kind of a loss in a multiple pregnancy. The thoughts and feelings that I will share are from my heart and they are very dear memories to me. I know this is long, but I hope that others will find peace and courage in knowing that life can and does go on after such a heart breaking experience.
I found out that I was expecting identical twin boys on April 5, 1995 when I was already 20 weeks. The pregnancy went well without any real problems or concerns to worry about. Routine non-stress tests were started when I reached 34 weeks. Then at 36 weeks, James (baby A) failed his first NST. I went back to the office the next day for another NST, and he failed the test again. Now we were starting to worry. The doctor sent us over to the hospital for a stress test. The monitors were placed on my huge stomach and contractions were induced. The stress seemed to make a real difference because both babies passed the test with flying colors, and they appeared to be very healthy. So the contractions were stopped and I was sent home with the intent to come back the following week for a c-section if labor didn't start on its own before then.
The following Monday at 37 weeks I returned to the office for another NST. This time James didn't fail the test but he still didn't do that great. An ultrasound was also done and we were surprised that Thomas (baby B) had turned over the weekend from a breech position to a head down position. I no longer needed to have a c-section! So I was scheduled to have labor induced first thing on Wednesday morning. We were so excited! The long months of waiting were finally almost over.
Early that morning I was awakened by some extremely hard kicks from the babies; this was more movement than I had felt through the whole pregnancy. I was a little concerned that Thomas had turned back around and that I would have to have a c-section after all. But when I got up in the morning to get ready to go to the hospital, I could feel all 4 little feet kicking right under my ribs so I knew they were still both head down.
We arrived at the hospital early on the morning of August 2, 1995. But the labor and delivery nurse could only find one heartbeat. A scalp monitor was attached - still no heartbeat. For some reason I still wasn't worried because I could still feel both of the babies moving and kicking. I was taken down the hall for an ultrasound. When the image of my babies showed up on the screen, I saw no movement from James and no heartbeat. I was told that my baby had died and there was no blood flow at all through his heart. I felt like my world was crashing down around me. I immediately argued with the doctor telling him that their machines were wrong and that he was too alive because I could feel him moving. But all I was feeling was Thomas kicking James' lifeless body and making him move.
Labor was started and 9 hours later my boys made their entrance into this world. James was born first weighing in at 5 lbs. 13 ounces and was 18 inches long. His birth was so silent and still that it was almost deafening. Two minutes later Thomas came into this world beat red and screaming weighing in at 5 lbs. 14 ounces and was also 18 inches long. I held James first and when I first held him I cried out with so much pain and anguish that I scared the doctor, but my heart was literally broken. Next, I was handed Thomas. I was shocked by the totally contradictory emotions that I had. I was immediately in love with him, he was such a beautiful baby and I was overjoyed when I held him that first time. It was estimated that James had only been dead for about 12 hours and 9 of those hours had been the labor and delivery. We were so close . . .
Over the next few hours throughout the evening we kept both babies with us and studied every little feature, they were definitely identical. We cried a lot during those few hours that we had our babies together but we also enjoyed that time very much. Our daughter Elisabeth was brought in and she got to meet her new brothers along with a lot of our family members that could come. Late that night we knew we had to say goodbye to James. Saying goodbye to my newborn son was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew that the next time I would see him would be at the mortuary.
It soon became evident that Thomas was very ill and needed to be transferred to another hospital for NICU care. He spent 8 days at this hospital in the NICU and was diagnosed with a congenital CMV infection. At the same time it was also confirmed on James's autopsy that his cause of death was also due to a congenital CMV infection. Thomas was very ill and he had test after test to determine the extent of the damage from the virus. He was finally released from the hospital but we still had months of doctor's appointments and years of therapy to help him overcome the effects of this virus.
It's been over 2 years now since my life was turned upside down and changed forever. I'll never be the person I was before this happened again and I'll never take my children for granted either. We've also had another baby join our family, Alexander James was born June 18, 1997 and named after his older brother in heaven. I'm thrilled to have another child and even to have another boy so close to Tommy's age that they can grow up together and be playmates, but he will never be a replacement for James and I definitely don't want him to be. Thomas knows that James is his twin but doesn't seem to really understand what that means yet. I'm not sure if I'm telling him too much or not enough. Raising a twinless twin is more difficult than people imagine. It's so hard to try to balance grief and joy at the same time. I struggle trying to answer simple questions like, "How many kids do you have?" And I have a real hard time when I see a set of twins at the store. The pain is still so very real.
I would love to correspond with anyone who may have been through a similar experience.
Renee Sorensen
Visit these pages with information about CMV:

Jasmine's Page ~ dedicated to children born with CMV infection
Cytomegalovirus ~ from KidsHealth.Org
CMV Fact Sheet

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